Ok, so by now we all know I’m on a gung-ho mission to detox some of this bread, dairy and sugar out of my system. Old news.

But I just wanted to talk more about it, because I’ve been noticing a lot more how I’ve been feeling with the foods that I’m been eating.

Not good, my friends, not good.

I was a strict vegan for about 4-5 months, and then was a “cheatin’ vegan” for about 3/4 of a year after that. When I stopped eating dairy, eggs, and processed sugar (I was never a huge meat-eater), I felt so much lighter and healthier. When I say lighter, I don’t mean just lighter in weight– though that was a very small benefit (my weight loss was by no means drastic). I just felt happier, and, dare I say it for fear of being called a “New-Age Hippie,” I could swear that I felt my body actually hum. Sort of like when you listen to a well-oiled machine– that’s how I felt. I wasn’t bloated all the time, my skin was clear… ah. The sweet vegan life!

(There some choice beverages, besides the love of Veganism, that contributed to the exuberance in this picture. Last day of classes, what can I say?)

But it’s hard to be a vegan in a world of non-vegans. It’s not like I was living in San Francisco, where pretty much every restaurant is veg-friendly. I was living in central New York and suburban Connecticut, where a lot of people eat meat and don’t really understand why anyone would ever give up something like cheese. When ever I’d give them one of my arguments against cheese, they’d say, “Yea… but cheese is so good!” And there go all your points about the dairy industry and government propaganda out the window.

And here I go, preaching on the vegan soapbox again. It’s not intentional, it’s just that, after reading up a lot on veganism, I’ve come to believe that it makes an incredible amount of sense. Maybe not all over the world, and maybe not in certain areas in the U.S. (and definitely not for everyone– we’re all different and we all have different dietary needs), but in general, our country has a pretty poor food system. It’s run by huge corporations that care more about the money that goes into their pockets than the food that goes into people’s mouths. Don’t even get me started.

I found myself, however, constantly defending my food beliefs and principles. A lot of people were curious about my diet, and would ask questions– so I would give answers (I learned early on that people don’t like it when you criticize their food choices mid-hamburger). But a lot of times, I’d feel like I had to defend myself from various attacks that people made on veganism, like they were trying to prove me wrong. I have a hard time remembering things in the first place, but after awhile, it was hard to find a satisfactory answer to “But what if the cows are happy and fed on grass?” I could never think of a response. Now, I’d say something like “Yeah, that’s great and go eat one of those cows, but good luck finding it in most of our restaurants or fast-food joints.” Or I’d talk about all the hormones that livestock produce out of fear when they know they’re about to be slaughtered, and how those hormones get put into our own bodies when we eat the meat. At the time, however, I’d sort of choke up and not know how to reply. These conversations eventually chipped away at my own belief system to the point where I began to question my dietary choices.

That summer, I was a counselor at a summer camp. I had decided to continue my veganism there, even though I knew it would be hard. But I didn’t like the idea of giving up something I believed in out of convenience. I was determined to make it work. As I was the only vegan at camp, things were definitely difficult. When I told the chef I couldn’t eat the Mac and Cheese because there was dairy in it and I couldn’t eat dairy or meat or eggs, he proceeded to bring me out a plate of pitas, hummus, and cold-cuts. Uh… you get the picture. It was definitely something that required a lot of work, both on my part and that of the kitchen staff.

I loved sharing my passion for veganism, however, and was always willing to discuss my feelings when curious campers asked questions. I realized that educating people about food, nutrition, and our food system was something I really enjoyed! But when you’re the only vegan in a community, you’re surrounded by a lot of temptation. It wasn’t tangible temptation, but more verbal; for instance, when we’d go around in a circle and say our names, we’d also have to say our favorite Ben & Jerry’s ice cream flavor. After awhile, I really liked this… and would often suggest these topics myself. Favorite ice cream! Favorite dessert! Basically, I was satisfying my desire to eat these non-vegan foods by thinking about them instead. It was fun, but my vegan diet quickly transformed into something more restrictive.

Instead of looking at, say, a piece of cheese pizza and knowing I didn’t want it because of a) the way it’d make me feel and b) the methods it took to produce it, I’d look at it out of longing, reminding myself all the while that I couldn’t eat it because it wasn’t “vegan.” When the only thing separating you from eating something is a single word, you know you’re in trouble. I stopped thinking of all the reasons I didn’t want to eat dairy and eggs (and processed sugar), and started thinking of all the reasons I couldn’t eat those foods. It wasn’t a healthy mindset, and it quickly led to a negative cycle of guilt and secretly bingeing on the foods I didn’t allow myself in public, for fear of people calling me out on breaking my veganism.

There’s a whole lot more to talk about on this topic, but that’s a story for another time. For now, let’s just say that I’ve reached a point in my life where I understand that it’s important not to restrict myself. When I do that, I’m more likely to binge on the things I think I can’t eat. I’m not saying anything against veganism; I think when you think of it as a lifestyle choice instead of a restrictive diet, it’s a great thing. And that’s the way I started out, but it wasn’t where I ended up.

This summer, I allowed myself to eat whatever I wanted. You want cheese, Louisa? Sure… have it. Eggs? Yuh huh. Cookies? Yes please. M&M’s from the vending machine? Well, actually… yeah. It hasn’t been the healthiest of summers, but I finally think I’ve broken free of that restrictive mindset that I developed over the past year.

The only issue is, I’ve sort of forgotten that there’s a life beyond eggs, bread, and cheese (are you guys catching on that I’ve been eating a lot of fried egg sandwiches and PB&J’s lately?). It’s easy to eat those things when you have them on hand, because they’re really easy to prepare. Cut the bread, slice the cheese (notice I didn’t switch those verbs), fry the egg. Spread the PB and jelly (two separate occurrences here, folks. I’ve yet to try a PB&J&Egg&Cheese sandwich). At first, you think: what a life! This stuff is delicious, and I could eat it all the time… it’s so easy!

But then you wake up one morning with a headache. And the next day. And the day after that. You notice your face looks a little puffier than usual (and maybe your stomach, too?), and you’re breaking out on your face when you haven’t had breakouts in over a year. You have less energy, and you generally feel… icky.

Today at work, one of my tasks was to grate some Pecorino Romano cheese. I had to grate a lot of it, and after awhile, I started to notice how oily and greasy my hands were. And I just cringed at the thought of all that oil going into my body– especially because I knew that it was the most likely culprit of my breakouts.

Where am I now? Thinking of jumping back on the vegan bandwagon! I know it’s not the most practical of ideas, since I’ll be heading to France in less than 2 weeks, so I’m not going to be fully committed to it. But I am going to make a more consistent effort to eat more vegan meals– at least, meals without cheese. I just know that ultimately, I feel better when I eat a more plant-based diet. I’m not sure how much eggs affect me, though I’ll be honest– I don’t think eggs are very exciting if there’s no cheese around. I’ll obviously be eating these things in France, but I’m going to make a point to eat them in moderation, and to balance it out with some good salads and veggie dishes.

Dinner tonight was my first attempt at that. It was really tempting to just eat bread and cheese again (like I said, it’s pretty easy), but then I thought of how my hands felt when I was grating the cheese this morning, and I knew I had to actually make an effort. Besides, I had so many good things to use! Celery, onions, quinoa, sweet corn… already, a plan was forming in my head. I love it when that happens!

“End of Summer” Salad

Quinoa, chopped almonds, chopped celery, raw sweet corn, caramelized onions, lemon juice, salt and pepper. 

The perfect way to remind myself that food can, in fact, taste amazing without cheese. 

Even the stray neighborhood cat seemed to think so! She (?) stops by sometime whenever I’m on the porch, eating.

I want her. She’s such a sweetheart!